i'll keep you my dirty little secret

Rowan convinced Alecis to go to an inn, claiming that she couldn't go home to her family in this state. He was quite right, so Alecis didn't put up much of a fight. She was still crying a little when they made it to the cozy little inn.

Rowan convinced her to sit down on the bed, which she did. "Ro-rowan...?" Alecis sniffed, trying to stop crying.

"Yeah?" Rowan asked softly, sitting in a chair near the bed. God, Alecis looked a terrible mess, but somehow she still managed to be attractive to him. He reached over and brushed her long bangs out of her face, because they were starting to stick to her wet cheeks. "What is it?"

Where Rowan's fingers touched her cheeks, tiny flames spread on her skin. She shivered from the pleasure.

"I'm sorry I made you sad, all those years ago..." Tonight especially she was feeling guilty about then. Thinking about Charlie always brought those years back.

Rowan's brow furrowed. He remembered, "all those years back," Alecis having made him angry dozens of times (and happy a few times, too) but he never actually remembered her making him sad, not directly anyways. "What are you talking about...?" he asked quietly.

Alecis' lips started to quiver so she waved the question off. She was trying not to cry, thank you very much Rowan. "I feel like this is all my fault..." she said, blinking the tears back.

She sighed and used the backs of her hands to wipe her eyes.

This again? Rowan still didn't understand how Alecis could think whatever "this" is was all her fault. But he knew that telling her she didn't do anything wrong was pointless; she wouldn't believe him, and in her emotional and intoxicated state, would probably just get even more upset if he tried to comfort her right now.

"Maybe you should get some sleep," he said gently, putting his hand on her shoulder and gently pushing her so she was laying down. The best thing for her was to sleep off the drunkness so that they could talk when she was thinking clearly. "You'll feel better when you wake up, I promise."

Alecis felt drowsy the instant her head touched the pillow but she wouldn't let herself fall asleep. "I would understand if you hated me," she said quietly. "I would hate me too..." In fact, she did hate herself.

She pulled the blanket up around herself and whispered so that he could barely hear, "I never stopped loving you, but I understood why I could never have you."

She wasn't worth the trouble, wasn't good enough. And she never would be. No matter how much she tried to be a better person, she was never strong enough to leave well enough alone. Just like now, she should be telling Rowan to go home, to go back to his family. But she wasn't--she couldn't.

All she wanted was to have him hold her, to have him tell her he loved her too. To lie.

"I don't hate you," Rowan told her, quietly yet firmly. "You shouldn't hate yourself, either. Especially not because of me. You've always had this delusion that I'm some perfect, amazing guy, but I never understood exactly where you got that vision of me." He laughed a little, almost silently. "If you could see my flaws as well as you see your own, you'd be screaming at me right now."

It was the one thing he never understood; why did Alecis think he was perfect? Thankfully he had grown to accept his own flaws and mistakes, rather than drown them in alcohol like he used to, but Alecis acted like they didn't even exist. And she seemed to think that she was the worst person in the world, when for the most part she hadn't done a bad thing in her life (cheating on her husband notwithstanding.)

Alecis shook her head slowly. Rowan wasn't perfect, she knew that. But he was still the best person she had ever known. And she was... less than that. So much less.

She cringed and closed her eyes. She brought pain everywhere she went, it was so unfair.

"You're too hard on yourself," Rowan muttered (no, ya THINK?) He brushed her hair aside again, and then leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Go to sleep. Maybe you'll be sober when you wake up, and you'll actually listen to me when I tell you what a wonderful person you are."

If his fingers had caused flames to erupt on her skin, his kiss had created an explosion. Why was he so nice to her? Why?!

She was about to fight his words but before she could, her eyes fluttered shut and she couldn't force them to open.

She made a heavily slurred attempt to set him straight, but then decided not to bother. The sleep was too tempting.

Rowan let out a breath and slumped back into the chair. Now that Alecis was asleep, he was able to think about himself. His own guilt.

What was he doing here? He had a wife at home. Five kids. A family, his family. They were probably sitting at home, wondering where he was, assuming he'd been tied up by some kind of Overloridian meeting. And that's what he would tell them. He would lie to his own family, the most important part of his life. What was wrong with him?

He looked at the woman sleeping nearby. How could she possibly be worth the risk of destroying the one thing he cared about more than anything? He wanted her, that was obvious, but could he really...actually...love her?

Mind swimming with confusion, guilt and desire, he forced himself to fall asleep, feeling he at least deserved the discomfort of the chair, in order to give himself a break from the inner struggle.

Alecis slept fitfully. She tossed and turned for most of the night, groaning from unknown nightmares. When she finally awoke she felt as well rested as she had before she had fallen asleep. Her hair was messy, and sprayed out around her on the pillow. It was obvious it hadn't been a easy night.

She turned and looked at where Rowan had been the previous night. He was still there, looking as if he had gotten just as much rest as she had. A sigh escaped her lips. Even now, he looked beautiful. His head was nestled down into his chest and she felt bad that he had slept in the chair.

Even if Rowan had been sleeping on one of those amazing comfortable beds from Temprapedic (or however it's spelled) he still would have slept horribly. Of course having slept sitting up didn't do anything to help, and as he awoke he cringed as he lifted his head from the soreness in his neck.

"Ow," he muttered, rubbing his neck and rolling his shoulders. He sat up straighter and stretched, then looked over at Alecis. He didn't feel any morningtime grogginess due to the lightness of his sleep, and had no trouble remembering why they were there or what had happened last night.

She was awake. "How are you feeling?" he asked, stretching again. Note to Rowan: Don't sleep sitting up ever again.

Alecis gave him a weak smile. "I've been better," she said. Her head hurt, her eyes hurt, her self-esteem, her conscious. At least she didn't feel sick to her stomach like most people did the morning after being drunk.

She blinked. "You really didn't have to stay," she said quietly. But she was oh so happy that he had.

Rowan returned her weak smile. "It was no trouble," he told her, waving his hand dismissively. Then he kind of got a more serious expression and said in a slightly stronger voice, "I had to make sure you would be okay. You were really upset last night. I thought...maybe you needed to talk about it."

It scared him a little just how upset she'd been. He really did need to know she could be okay on her own, or he wouldn't be able to stop worrying about her. And then he wouldn't be able to stop thinking about her.

He was too good to her. She sat up in bed a little before talking. "Listen... it's just... I... really, I'm sorry for making such a mess out of things last night. I shouldn't have done that... You were there for Charlie and I... I really do feel terrible, Rowan. You should have stayed with her, I'm sure it's hard on you."

A little pang resounded in her chest when she realized what she had done. She had taken Rowan from Charlie just like she had done before. For her own selfish reasons.

She shook her head slightly to keep from crying again. "I don't want to bother you anymore, Rowan. You've done so much for me..."

"I haven't done anything for you, Alecis," Rowan said honestly. He really hadn't. Even after she helped him get through one of the hardest times in his life, had he even once thanked her? "I owe you so much. All those years ago, when I needed help, you were the only one who was really there for me."

He wanted to think this was just him making it up to her, but he wasn't just returning a favor. He wanted her to be happy. He needed to see her happy.

He thought of telling her that he was the one who should apologize, after all she was the one who was sad because of him, not the other way around. But he was afraid if he said that, she would think she was making him feel bad and feel even worse.

This wasn't going to be easy.

She shook her head again. "You just got a little lost for a minute Rowan, I only told you the truth. You're so much better than what you give yourself credit for." She wished he could see himself through her eyes. She would give anything for that chance.

"You're such an amazing person, you're so special. And you don't even know it. I, I just wish you could have the chance to see what I see.

"There are all these clio, Rowan. And they walk by you everyday. And not for one second do those clio realize who they've just walked next to. They don't know how amazingly smart or clever you are. They don't realize how talented or special a clio you are. Or what an incredible father you are to your kids. They walk on by like you're nothing, just another Overloridian. But they are so, so wrong. And I always think, if only they knew.

"But you know what, if they knew, I think I'd be jealous. I feel like I'm in on some amazing secret. I feel so special to know how incredibly important you are."

Wow. Where did that come from?

Rowan stared at Alecis, and then shook his head incredulously. "Alecis, don't you understand?" he asked. "Everything you just said...change a few words and it could have been me talking about you. You're the one who's better than what you give yourself credit for. If you just stop and think for a second, and realize that we feel the same way about each other, you'll realize what an amazing person you are, and how I wish you could see yourself through my eyes."

He subconsciously leaned towards her. "I see a clio who's smart, and beautiful, loving and selfless. And so humble that she can't see the good in herself, even though it's so obvious to anyone who really looks at her."

When did Rowrow get so good at...talking?

Her heart was clenched. So hard. In fact, it was getting a little difficult to breathe. Because no matter how nice he was trying to be, no matter how much he thought he meant what he had just said, he never really would.

If he had meant it, truly meant every word he had just spoken, then that would mean that he loved her. Which he didn't. He didn't and he never would.

Alecis didn't know what to say. So she didn't say anything. She just sat there with an extremely pained expression, trying to figure out what to do next.

Rowan watched her expression carefully, and his own face fell a little. "You don't believe me, do you?" he asked so softly it was almost a whisper. It pained him, too. He had meant it, every word. He wanted her to know how he really felt.

"I..." She looked back up at him and was horrified. Look! She was hurting him again, just like always. "No, no," she said, "I'm sorry... I just..."

I just love you. And I want you to love me. And I want to go back in time and erase everything. And I want to scrub away your pain. I want you to be happy and I want you to smile more. "I just want you to be happy. I'd give anything."

"What would really make me happy is if you were happy," Rowan admitted. Corny as it sounded, it was true. Alecis was so beautiful when she smiled...really smiled, when she was genuinely happy, which was, unfortunately, a rare occurrance.

Alecis gave a feeble smile. Obviously it was better to go with everything he was saying. If it would make him feel better, she would do anything.

"That means a lot, Rowan," she said. And it did. Even if he didn't really mean it, it still made a world of difference that he was trying to make her happy.